THE LAUGH

Laughing is the cure for sadness. When you hear someone laughing you automatically want to know what they are laughing about its just human nature. I personally love to laugh, tell jokes, be funny and have a great sense of humor. Now for the part that fucking drives me nuts. It’s the laugh that doesn’t make any sense. Some people could watch a person get hit by a car and feel that they should laugh, and the laugh itself is deserving of death. Its LOUD, so fucking loud that everyone in the room or building is startled by it, it happens when someone says something and this person thinks its funny. No one else is laughing but this person is bellowing out the annoying laugh. I have literally said holy shit what the fuck was that? Its that loud. I have also said shut the fuck up that wasn’t even funny. That always pisses the laugher off. Its like first of all your laughing like an idiot and secondly what your laughing at you are the only one laughing at. Are laughing just to hear yourself laugh or are truly that ignorant and really think what you are laughing at is funny? Either way you are an ignorant fucking prick. I cant decide who is worse, the loud talker, or the laugher. They both annoy the fuck out of me and everyone else in the office. My blogs are the voice of the office cause I believe that I am simply saying what every other person in the office is thinking. They don’t have the nerve to stand up and shout “YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON!!!!” Well I don’t have the nerve either but at least I can vent about it this way. I do not discriminate on who in the office I talk about. Everyone in the office has something wrong with them in some way or another. I’m not sure what my problem is but I’m sure that if you asked 10 people in the office you would get 10 different answers on how fucked up I am in the head. Oh well they are welcome to start a blog also as long as they don’t steal my shit. Go ta couple of others that I’m working on so I will talk to you soon.

Out

The Smell

Everyone sweats, everyone smells, but not everyone has to know it. Your body can basically smell from 3 spots. Your pits, your ass and your mouth, but all 3 spots can still smell like shit. It’s not hard to keep your body from smelling like shit. KEEP IT CLEAN! We live in a society that doesn’t make it hard to keep yourself clean. We have soap, we have running water, we have hot running water. What excuse can anyone have for not being and smelling clean? There is nothing worse than some filthy smelly bad breath breathing person stinking up your personal space. The body smell doesn’t leave when the person leaves either. It lingers like your new friends when you win the lottery. Its almost impossible to get rid of and in the extreme cases it can actually attach itself to a new host and follow that person until they are decontaminated, confusing people into thinking its you that stinks and not the asshole who just left your area. I believe that the body smell is the worse of the big three. That being said the shit breath is almost as bad. You know when someone leans over you to show you something and they waft that putrid stench right in your face. Your natural reaction is to gag and vomit but you know you have to act like you cant smell it and pretend that you don’t notice the breath that smells like SHIT. I believe that its your duty to tell shit breath that they have shit breath. If not will it ever change? There should be someone who sacrifices themselves for the good of the group and tells that smelly son of a bitch listen Stinky take a fucking shower or bath more than once a week and brush that shit infested noise maker twice a day. There’s something new out there it’s called deodorant and breath mints, ever heard of them? You dumb fuck! Now if you happen to be of Middle Eastern decent then it doesn’t matter what you do your shit is gonna stink no mater what. Not being prejudice just being honest, you people stink. Thanks

OUT (fuckin fudge packer seacrest)

Lizard Skin one and two

On a lizard it looks ok, on a chic it looks fucking disgusting. Blotchy red and white skin that hangs off their bones. It appears on the underside of the arms and the back side of the legs, you know where the cellulite appears on an overweight women, now on an older women many times it cant be helped its just part of not taking care of yourself, eating to much, drinking to much, sitting on your ass all day and then going home and sitting some more before going to bed and starting it all over the next morning. Its just being sedentary, lazy, unmotivated, yes lazy. I understand that when humans get older their metabolism slows down and its harder to keep in shape and your energy level drops. That's ok but understand you will get lizard skin and its only your fault and no one elses. It looks even worse when you are pasty, pail and white as a ghost. Its easier to hide when you have some color from the sun on your body but if your so lazy you cant even get the occasional ray of sunlight then you deserve to be labeled lizard skin. Now that being said when this condition happens to a younger women who is barely old enough to vote I just cant feel to sorry for this person, your skin is young healthy and firm. What the fuck are you thinking eating like a fucking pig every day of your life? Getting no exercise except when you are getting fucked and even then probably laying on your back eating Cheetos while getting pounded in the kooter. Turning a wonderful sexy hot totally fuckable eatable body into a pile of cellulite ridden blotchy lizard skin? Get married fast cause that shit aint gonna turn anyone on very much longer. Maybe a blind man but thats it. I dont believe you can feel blotchy but I could be wrong. Now listen Im not perfect and will be the first to admit that I am fucked up in so many ways I cant count them all but that being said if I did have lizard skin I certainly wouldnt wear sleveless shirts that show that shit off (fucking makes me want to PUKE). Or the shirt that doesn't cover your disgusting lizard skin belly FUCKING GROSS. Old chics get a pass, young chics get nothing but my contempt and pitty. Noone wants to fuck a lizard skinned chic so clean your life up and take care of yourself...............................

OUT!!

Women

I love women but will never understand their way of thinking. I totally believe that rape is wrong unless its me being raped then its ok. BUT why do women lead men on and then cant understand why men want to fuck the shit out of them? I mean women will talk dirty to you flirt like theres no tomorrow rub up against you and maybe even crab your cock through your jeans but when you make any kind of reciprocal move they freak out or act like what are you doing? Im not a violent person and definately dont believe in hitting a chic but what the fuck goes through their heads when they do shit like this? I am ok with pushing them in front of a bus, train or large truck. 85% of all women are fucking nuts. They shouldnt be allowed to reproduce other fucked up crazy bitches. I really think that 50% of all rapes happen because the dumb bitch leads some drunk horny dude on and as we all know when you get all worked up its really hard to come down unless you stick your dick in a moist fkn pussy or if you really want to punish the bitch right up her ass. Im not some kind of pervert but hey a hole is a hole and one is usually tighter than the other one. I think the word that best describe this type of women is tease. Its happened to all of us probably more than once. I think that if women were men we would get raped all of the time. Think about it we flirt with a chic, shes really turned on and truly wants your cock inside of her but you say "oh no, Im not that kind of a guy" that bitch would claw your eyes out and no one would believe that you turned her down cause basically we are pigs in a sense. If sex was food and that easy to get all men would be fat sons a bitches. I wouldnt be able to lift my fat ass out of bed and would eventually be skin grafted to the couch. Fuck that would hurt, can you imagine your skin actually growing and bonding with the couch? It would be like being a cyborg but with a couch. Anyway women should have to take a mandatory class on how to not piss dudes off. i would teach the class and every man would benefit from my teachings. Rule #1 you flirt with a dude you gotta suck his cock. #2 dont dress like a whore unless your gonna suck his cock. #3 dont leave the house unless your gonna suck some cock. It doesnt have to be just 1 cock it can be a whole mess of cocks. 5, 10, 20 cocks a night is ok just keep on sucking we dont care how many cocks you suck as long as one of them is ours. I think that ive taken up enough time on this rant. One more thing. That little cock sucker Ryan Seacrest (seafag) stole my OUT. I was saying that years ago before anyone new who that fudge packer was. Hes a pole smoker and he knows it.


OUT!

The Hip Hopper

More to follow, I dont pick on the hip hopper. I kid with the hip hopper because he is my friend, I only fuck with the hip hopper because he is a friend. If he wasnt such a good friend I would destroy him in this blog but

The Loud Talker

Fuck, nothing gets on my nerves more than some loud mouthed manager who wants everyone in the office to hear every fucking word it says. Its like hey everyone I'm talking to a client and I want you to know how fucking fake I can be to someone on the fone, and that's exactly what it is fake fucking bullshit. Hey can I stick my tongue up your ass and pretend that im a real person you are talking to and that I truly care about what your saying? I dont buy it on this end and I hope our clients arent that fucking brain dead to buy it on thier end. The problem is that this idiot is responsible for dealing with clients and everyone in the entire office can hear every fucking work she says. We actually had to have the office maintenace people come in and add sound proofing in between the offices just because of this one person, (thats fucked up). Its door is open to everyone to hear every fucking word it says. Its like hey Im a fucking moron and I want evryone in this office to understand exactly how big of a stupid fucking moron I am. And if I hear "FYI or Just so you know" one more time I'm going to start tearing up individual pieces of paper, one at a time one ream at a time, one case at a time until someone fucking commits me to an institution. The only problem is I dont have the patience to tear up paper in that manner. WHY DO PEOPLE thrive on hearing themselves talk or talking so loud they know everyone can hear them? Please someone out there that has a brain, answer this question. (Any thoughts Pat ?). I dont want to have to listen to ignorant people, listening to my own thoughts is punishment enough. I'm not sure exactly how to handle the loud talker, do you mention something innocently, like hey shut your fucking mouth and die? or stop talking so fucking loud you fucking inconsiderate cunt (veal cunt, inside joke). I am not sure that there is PC way to tell someone that they talk to loud w/o offendin them. Help me out here, fuck Its late good fucking night!!

The Interupters

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Lost in Fed Ex Land

Let me say that I truly like 99% of the people that I work with and since some of the people I work with are family I can honestly say I love some of them. That being said heres my latest rant. Federal Express (FE) is a multi billion $ company that does a pretty damn good job at delivering packages overnight. They dont have a reputation for not delivering packages on time, am I right? If you have read the previous posts then you know my firm is coming up on a deadline. Certain shit has to be at certain places really fucking fast or money will be lost. That being said, our office is located in a very large OFFICE COMPLEX many business's on many floors. We have a FE drop box in the building that is picked up at 5:10 every day, there is even a window that tells you if it has been picked up already that day. We have used this drop box for the past 5 years and have never had a package not delivered on time. So 3pm rolls around and I am asked to FE an important package for next day delivery. No fucking problem as FE doesnt pick up until 5:10 pm 2 hrs 10 minutes later, but wait......THIS PACKAGE IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!! Their all fucking important if we spend $40 to ship them overnight. I am ordered to take the package to a FE Kinkos to insure that the package gets there on time. Does anyone see where Im going with this? Theres a fucking drop box 50 feet away but that shit doesnt work. FE is a fucked up company that always gets your package there late unless you take it to a fucking 18 yr old zit invested drugged out Kinkos employee who doesnt even work for FE and really gives a shit about this IMPORTANT FUCKING PACKAGE. My point is that FE drop boxes work. If they didnt then FE would be out of business. This shit happens on a Friday and shitty Kinkos isnt on my fuckin way home. Thats a wonderful end to a perfectly fucked up week. Thanks for listening again to all of my negativity and if you dont like this blog then go fuck your self.

Peace
Maxwell Crews

Little sneaky bastard

So there are certain things that certain people are responsible for in any office. I for example am responsible for greeting clients who come into the office. Im not a receptionist but have a monitor in my office that has the receptionist area on camera. So if someone walks into the office and I am not looking at the monitor then Oh fuck they might have to wait there for a few minutes. To the best of my knowledge no one has ever died from waiting in our receptionist area (to date anyway). So I missed a client and they had to wait. Now one of my wonderful co-working cocksuckers comes into my office to inform me that a client is waiting (instead of assisting the client himself). Naturally I said thank you and went up front to greet the client. Now as Im walking back to my office the wonderful employee who informed me and the office manager (little Hitler LH for short) are walking towards me. I get lambbasted for not being up front soon enough. So here comes the rant. Sneaky little fucking bastard snitches me out to LH instead of just keeping his fucking cocksucking mouth closed. Keep in mind there is real loyalty and comradery in this office. Id like to beat this person to death with a large peice of raw fish, tuna or swordfish. If I hear its not in my job description one more time I am going to go postal and &*%^$#@$%^%&%&^ who the fuck knows. I always thought that it would be fun to kill myself and frame someone else that I cant stand for the crime. I watch Law and Order I could get this shit done. Fortunately I hate pain and could never kill myself. I believe that people enjoy other peoples misery. This person has to work with me and I am going to make his life a living hell. I am great at fucking with people with out them knowing who is fucking with them. My point is every office has cocksuckers who enjoy sucking up to management and basking in other peoples misery (mine). If only we could all get along and not shove our noses up managements ass. I personally think it would be embarassing to be able to describe how someones asshole smells from personal experience but there are people in the world that smell assholes everyday. Now I am not talking about any type of sexual experiences cause Im sure all of you have got the scent of a smelly asshole before. People drink shit happens. Fortunately we are down to the last day until our deadline. SHit will get worse but thats ok cause thats how things go at our firm. For those of you who think that I am a totally negative person your wrong, I just choose to blog about the negative things that happen, people dont like to hear about good things but drool over bad ship, thats just human nature. Tomorrows blog: Lost in Fed Ex land and The Interupters. Have a great weekend and drink a keg on me.

Maxwell Crews

2 days 2 go

Thursday in hell, it starts out easy enough, quiet, peacfull, calm. Then they arrive, the people I see every day but can never really get used to. Theres one, my trusting blog companion who keeps me from completely going insane and I believe he feels the same. If we couldnt vent on each other I feel it could become a blood bath, It starts out with simple chit chat, you listen but dont really pay attenion. You pretend to just to be polite, hoping that it will eventually stop....but it doesnt you get the pitch ins, you know the people that always have something to add to a completely meaningless story hoping to perhaps make it better in some pathetic way but it never does. All that happens is the story gets longer and longer and it starts to grate on your nerves like a styrofoam cooler squeaking in your car or the chalkboard or the ballons that the stupid fucking clown makes those stupid fucking animals with I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THOSE SOUNDS! Anyway thats how they sound. I just want to jump up and pull my pants down and take a big shit right in front of the entire group. At least that way the conversation might be worth listening to. Anyway it will only get worse the next few days. Hopefully you wont read about it in the papers. Until next time.

Max Crews

deadline approaches reponse

What my good friend above touches on has more depth than can be imagined if you do not know this beast. By all personality traits you would think the beast was a cougar. We are having a particular challenge nailing down the species because it is foreign to the firm habitat. At the rookie age of 21 it has all the makings at first site of the low level intern. But wait, get a little closer and you will smell something. No its not the typical perfume from all the other bright eyed 2o somethings. Its not the fresh spring air you expected. You are consuming the stench of 100 percent hormones. Dont let the 4inch heals and skirt fool you, this girl is a preditor. The ass sticks up like some gravity defining phenomena. Its a perky ass whether its being held up by pin stripe slacks or

Deadline aproaches

Its 3 days until the 1st deadline and things are rockin in the recticles. One man is subjected to the most unbearable screech of the most dreaded animal on earth.... the lonely chic who cant shut the fuck up. This creature goes on and on talking to no one in particular about how she does things just a little bit better or more often than any one else with in ear shot. What do we call her you might ask? TOU (towel minus the l) the one upper...she speaks for hours on end and the only thing you can do is occasionally respond with a "really...that's nice...no kidding... uh huh...If you respond with anything else then the tangent starts and that means a completely different subject that could literally go on for decades. Be very carefully with any response as it could mean the difference between leaving at 5pm or never leaving at all.